Kissing

I was walking through New York city yesterday when I passed a man and a woman in an embrace. I was walking through the NYU campus so I suppose they were college age and were obviously very much in love.

It was one of those things you see on the street that you just notice and then intentionally look away for fear of embarrasing them and yourself. Something caught my eye as I was about to look away though. The look on the woman face as she gazed into the man's eyes was amazing. While they held each other she looked up at him with eyes that said "I love you more than you'll ever know". Her eyes were loving this man with her entire soul along for the ride.

I don't know why I even noticed it but from that moment forward I began to notice the way woman look at men when they are in love. Women say so much more with their eyes and their face than men.

Old Adages

There are a lot of old sayings that I really like but I think my favorite is the one that goes something like, "To have a lot of friends, you have to be a friend". I like that one the most because it has proven so true in my life on so many occasions. It's also the saying that pops into my head when I'm feeling down because I've learned that the best way to cheer myself up is to do my best to make someone else happy. I suppose that leans more towards the saying, "The greatest joy you'll ever receive is when you are giving joy".

For me, being inwardly focused is a downward spiral that always ends up with my realizing where I'm at, who I've been, and changing my focus. Unfortunately, it sometimes takes a long time for me to ride that spiral to the bottom and start climbing back up. The spiral begins to feed on itself and I move from the simple wanting something little for me to the eventual feeling that I "deserve" certain things and that people are obligated to treat me a certain way. It's funny that even writing that now makes me laugh because of the absurdity but I can live that way for weeks without realizing it and the absurdity that infects my brain.

The worst part of this spiral is the wave of discontent I cause to those closest to me. I'm fortunate enough to have wonderful people in my life that either ignore these little episodes or don't notice them. Still, I'll spend a large amount of time trying to get back into the good graces of many people once I hit the bottom of the slide. Most of these people won't even know that I am trying to climb back into their acceptance but, in my head, I'm constantly looking for ways to climb their ladder.

I suppose these cycles are normal and I can say that I've learned a lot about them and how to recognize them over the years. The most important thing I've learned, though, is how to end them quickly by implementing that old adage I started with. Be a friend. Listen instead of talk and be a friend. Suppress that ego and be a friend. Offer encouragement instead of advice and be a friend. Make a conversation completely one sided in the other person's favor and be a friend.

I'll be putting this into practice this week and I'll be you dollars to donuts (Mmmm donuts....) I'll be feeling better by Tuesday.

Thanks for listening

Freedom

I can't seem to keep a plan for very long. I suppose part of this "learning about me" experience should include reading my old posts. If I'd do that more often I would realize that planning is not my best ability. As true as I know that is about me, I really do love to plan. I do. Really! I also, however, cherish my freedom to change that plan at a moments notice. That's one thing I have absolutely learned about myself over the last months.

Keeping the freedom to change my plans is one of those "third-rail" thing for me. I can put up with most other things and I try hard to understand and keep others in mind when I make decisions but I can't tolerate non-acceptance of my right to change. Sorry, that's who I am. Luckily I've been blessed with people in my life who, maybe don't like it, but accept it and take it with humor. I know it's frustrating for them but I hope that it's a sign of love to accept me for who I am.

So I'm running the full marathon in Tulsa tomorrow after weeks of planning for the half. I'm struggling with why. The surface level cause was peer pressure but it goes much deeper than that. I'm sure of this because as soon as I was put up to it something down deep let loose and it overwhelmed me with a nostalgic feeling. It wasn't that I was responding to the outside pressure as much as that pressure pricked a nerve that wouldn't shut up! I wanted to run the full, I just wasn't aware of it.

I'm not ready for the full but I've been there before. I want to run marathons again and I don't care! Earlier this year, before I came down with mono, I had lost the desire to run them even while I was running 1 per month. They had become a chore. I wanted to want to run them again but I couldn't find the desire. Now I have it back.

To deny that desire just because I had a plan seems silly to me. Maybe you'll disagree and see it as simply blowing with the breeze and that's your prerogative. I understand how silly I seem at times and, not only am I not ashamed of it, I have come to cherish it as a gift.

Thanks for listening

An ice maker

I haven't lived in my current house very long. I bought it last October. It's a cute little house that was built in the 1940's so it has many old-style features that I love. It's all brick and has beautiful hardwood floors throughout. The kitchen is cozily (not sure that's a word) small as is the bathroom. There is nothing big about it at all, in fact, I'd say it's small in every way.

Before this house I lived in a duplex just up the street from here. In fact, I pushed my lawnmower from that duplex to this house so I wouldn't have to put it in the car. It was a charming duplex built around the same time as this house. It was a rental though so it didn't have the greatest amenities.

The thing that drove me crazy for the year I lived there was the lack of an ice maker. After moving in I quickly purchased a couple blue ice trays without a second thought. I figured they would serve the purpose just fine. I quickly learned to hate those blue monstrosities! They didn't produce enough ice to fill my large, post-run drinks and once you used up all the ice you had to wait for hours for more. That was if you could get the damn cubes out of the trays at all. I twisted, turned, curled, shook, pounded, and cussed those things.

I longed for an ice maker. I couldn't afford that kind of luxury at the time so it became a dream of mine. I looked forward to the day when I could get a house with more room, a garage, and not least of all, an ice maker.

My current house has an ice maker. It was here when I moved in. I use it daily. I take it for granted. Oh how quickly we get spoiled! It hasn't been a year yet and already I've become immune to the little things in life again. I HAVE AN ICE MAKER! I should be shouting that from the roof tops and abundantly happy with everything else in my life. If I had the money and time to solve that little inconvenience then I most certainly have taken care of the important stuff right?

Or could it be that I've gotten so caught up in the little inconveniences of life that I'm missing the big stuff? The ice maker was last year's little issue, this year it's the yard, next year who knows and the year after that who really knows? By that time my oldest son will be graduated from high school and off to college. My youngest son will be in middle school. I'll be 2 years closer to losing my parents. And I'll be upset/frustrated/caught-up-in whatever the "little inconvenience" of the time might be.

I will eventually run out of time for my kids and my parents and the other important people in my life but I'm sure I'll never run out of little inconveniences.

I have an ice maker. Life is good. Hope I can remember that tomorrow.

Thanks for listening

On the high seas

So what if I've lost my love for marathons?

Does that mean that my love for them was never real in the first place? Or could it be that my goals have just changed and that the original feeling was genuine but has evolved? Or could it be that I'm just a live-on-a-whim type of person who has no direction in life?

Whatever it is I find myself envying those people who can find a love and stick with it forever. I still love running and I still love the long run but I don't get the joy from marathons like I used to feel. I'm more and more drawn to shorter distances and am enjoying the faster pace.

I suppose a normal person wouldn't analyze this in-depth but I'm not normal. I search for patterns in my life and feel a need for consistency. That need seems to go unfulfilled and the patterns I see are not always good.

But what can a person do about this? Should I force a consistency on myself just for the sake of itself? Thoreau believed that was the "hobgoblin of little minds" and I must say I agree with him but what is the alternative? To live an inconsistent, ever-changing life? If that sounds impressive and interesting to you (it did to me once), I dare you to try it sometime and see for yourself what it will do to your soul. Lacking a consistent anchor in life is a tough way to sail. There are many winds to hitch a ride on but with those winds come waves that can beat you up pretty good. Venturing into the waves is good in moderation but living on the high seas and always changing and adjusting to the whims of a vast ocean will prematurely wear you down.

So I'm going to ride this wave of short-distance running for awhile and hope that it re-ignites in me the love of the marathon. I will, however, still feel a bit of shame in my inability to maintain my first love.

That was a butt load of sailing metaphors! Guess that means I should buy a boat and sail around the......

Better stop that thought before it takes me in a direction.

Thanks for listening

Back

I'm finally back to running regularly again now that the mono infestation has subsided. To say it feels good to be back would be an understatement and a bit of double talk. I feel good so I'm back and I'm back because I feel good again. I suppose that speaks to running being a natural part of my life. No special signal is needed for me to start running, just be me again and it happens naturally. Hard to believe there was a time in the not so distant past when I wouldn't have run.

One great benefit of running again is that I'm able to bond with the big dog, Otis. Otis has been more than a bit of a pain in my ass since he came home. He is a very smart dog, extremely smart actually, and he is also very cute. He listens to me when I discuss things with him. Much to my displeasure though he rarely takes my well argued point to heart. While he always looks me in the eye and gives me that feeling that he is listening, he usually goes ahead with whatever thing I was strongly encouraging him not to do. This has caused a noticeable rise in my blood pressure ( I know because I've been to the doctor a lot lately) and also a rise in my desire for Otis to get far away from me. Otis has very long legs which are perfect for running so I took him out one morning. At first he thought it was great fun to jump around and play. After a mile he seemed to realize that this fun was very tiring and he settled into a nice trot. Turns out Otis is a great running partner. He trotted along with me and just enjoyed the time together. Somewhere near the end of the run, near mile 3, he decided the fun was over and stopped running. I took great pride in knowing that I outran him. He had great time licking the salt from my leg as we walked the last few yards to the house. Otis and I bonded.

By the way, Willie never raised his head from the bed the whole time Otis and I were out running. That's why I love him.

Thanks for listening

New Family

I suppose it's time to introduce you guys to the new members of my family. Both of these guys were adopted during an adoption drive at a local Petsmart.


This is Otis. He is a really big, really clumsy puppy. His main purpose in life is to play and eat. Well mostly to play. His saving grace was that when we took him out of his cage and walked him around, while the other dogs there went crazy, Otis remained perfectly silent and didn't lose his mind. He is amazingly intelligent but still has a lot of puppy in him. He runs into walls a lot.












This is Willie. I didn't name him after me as much as I'm sharing my name with him. Just as I don't own him so much as we are sharing our lives together. I've always loved Dachshunds for their attitudes but this little guy is the sweetest one I've ever met. He's had a hard life. He was found by the shelter I adopted him from during our last ice storm. He was starving and dehydrated. I have pictures of him like that and they are really sickening. He wouldn't eat for a long time and the shelter was sure he'd die but eventually he pulled through. He had 2 surgeries to remove lumps from his intestines that were a result of his dehydration. He has a scar above his right eye and it feels like he's missing a small piece of his skull in that area too.

He is about 3 years old and has settled into an easy life here at Villa de Willies. He is Otis's favorite play toy and usually enjoys it but sometimes has to put the big guy in his place. He really likes laying in the sun.


As you can see, they kinda like each other.


















Thanks for listening

Mano e mono

Remember that little goal of mine? Something about running 12 marathons in a year. Well I was on my way to getting that sucker done (not without struggle) until last Friday.

I had run the Waco marathon in January (extremely hilly and I was extremely not ready for it)

I had to skip the Austin marathon in February because I hurt my foot running on ice.

I ran the A2A marathon in March in 30 mile per hour headwinds.

I ran the Davy Crockett marathon in April. Nothing to say about this one, great course, great weather, I just blew it.

Then I finally ran a good marathon in May at the Oklahoma City Memorial marathon. I did it in a thunderstorm but I'll take a good marathon however I can get it.

Also in May I ran the Andy Payne marathon which put me back on track for my 1-per-month goal. Andy Payne sucked. It always has. It was brutally hot and windy.

I was scheduled to go to Estes Park Colorado this weekend to run their marathon. I had plane tickets, a rental car, and a place to stay. I also had the brewery tours all lined up for afterwards. It was going to be a great weekend in a beautiful part of the country. It was. It really was.

Last Friday I got sick. Really sick. Saturday morning I was not better and by Monday I was bed-ridden. The glands in my throat were (are) swollen and I was a wreck. I went to the doctor to get some antibiotics to knock this thing out before the weekend. I took all the pills and still I didn't feel better. I went to the doctor again and this time he gave me a mono test which I quickly failed. I was heartbroken. Doc said at least 3 weeks of no running because my spleen is enlarged. After the 3 weeks I have to go back and he will reevaluate me and see if I can start running again. Even if I can, it has to be slow and short for fear of a relapse. In reality it appears I'm looking at a few months of no real training.

So there goes my goal. The way I feel now I'm OK with the defeat because running is the last thing I want to do. I am afraid, however, that once I get to feeling better the full weight of what this will do to my running life will sink in and I might not be so OK with it. Maybe not, I'm hard to figure some times. Right now I'm taking full advantage of my rest and sleeping more than I have ever slept. Sometimes I feel a little better and I get up and move around. Sometimes I don't feel so good so I stay in bed all day. Really not a bad way to live I guess.

Thanks for listening

Forgiveness

When I was about 11 years old my family lived up on a hill that ran along a highway. In order to get anywhere off the hill you had to cross this divided highway and my mother was never fond of me venturing across that road. I was not the type to stay at home though so I frequently took my bike down the hill and into town. In today's world I would never dream of my little one going out on his own let alone cross a major highway without me, but this was 1980-something and times were different. Besides, if I remember correctly, I never exactly told my mother I was leaving most of the time anyway.

At the bottom of the hill, just across the highway, was a small gas station where I would stop and buy candy and soda and generally unhealthy things. I went there a lot and was quite familiar with the store and where everything was located. There were two doors, an exit directly beside the cashier and an entrance on the other side of the building. I suppose it was set up that way so that when you came in the store you were forced to walk past almost every aisle before reaching the exit. Smart store layout.

One day I took my bike down the hill and across the highway to get a Charleston Chew and a Coke. Two of my favorite things at the time. I had nothing to do that day and remember being extremely bored. I think I took the trip more to just get out of the house then to actually get the candy. As I walked into the store and was locating my treasures, I noticed a middle-aged black man looking for things too. He didn't strike me as particularly memorable, just an ordinary man picking up some things. He got to the cashier just ahead of me and when he did a white man in, what today would be called a "wife-beater", ran past me and grabbed the black man by the shirt. "I thought I told you to never come in here again!", he screamed. I immediately froze and became more scared than I can remember. The white man began beating this black man to a pulp. I distinctly remember the blood spilling on the floor and all over the white man's shirt. The boy black man never had a chance to defend himself. He was crumpled on the floor and receiving punches and kicks from this white man who seemed possessed. The beating continued and the cashier was just as stunned as I was and no one seemed to know what to do. It became obvious to me that the white man was drunk and for some reason I concluded that he didn't know this black man, he was just a racist who had gotten drunk and found a black man to beat. I can't remember what prompted me to think that but for some reason I made that conclusion fairly quickly.

The beating continued for many minutes and the white man never let up. I remember thinking that he was going to kill this man not 5 feet from me! At this point an intense anger built up inside me. It was the first time I'd felt that way. An intense anger that I could do nothing about. I was going to see this man die for no other reason than he happened into the wrong store and the wrong time and there was nothing my little body could do about it. That helpless frustration has stuck with me all my life. I honestly think that day changed the course of my life. I felt that feeling many times later in life and I never seemed to be able to deal with it appropriately. My reaction, as I did that day, was to get away. Run away as fast as I could. I have always thought that day was when I made my "fight or flight" decision for life. I was caught in an intense situation that demanded an action and I chose to run. I would do that a lot throughout my life.

I remember that feeling of anger stuck with me for days after that event. I hated that white man. I hated him in a way I couldn't handle. I didn't know how to handle it. I wanted to find him and his family and make them pay for this. I didn't want him to just be punished, I wanted him to suffer. Truth be told, as I sit here on my porch writing this I still feel that way. I wonder sometimes if I couldn't search the police records back in Ohio and find out his name, track his ass down and finally let that little boy in me have his revenge. Maybe one day I will.

At some point along the journey of this life I learned how to deal with those frustrating moments. I learned (am learning) how to not run away but to "fight" in a proper way. I know now that it's healthy to do that. I just wish I had learned it a little earlier in life.

I should forgive that racist bastard someday. I'm not sure I could though. He beat that man mercilessly in front of my younger self and was the first to show me real, unprovoked hatred. He taught me that evil existed in the world. Worse yet, he brought out hatred in me. I supposed I could have done without that for a few more years.

Thanks for listening

Back

It's been while since I've had the desire to write. I don't like forcing these things so I've been waiting until the feeling hit again before I put my fingers to the keys. A lot has happened since the last episode, I've run a few more marathons and have finally gotten back under 4 hours. The weather has gotten warmer too which always makes me happy since I can now get outside and sweat like a runner should.

I'm not sure what clicked to get me back under 4 hours. A few weeks ago my legs started feeling really good on my long runs and my pace just picked up. I had that old feeling of being able to run comfortably for a long time again. That wonderful feeling when you feel like you could pick up the pace all the time. It all came together in the Oklahoma City Memorial marathon in a thunderstorm.

We went to bed with the threat of severe weather the night before the race and woke up a forecast of rain beginning about the time of the start. For once the forecast was correct and it started to rain just before the start of the marathon. The race officials delayed the start 30 minutes to let some lightening clear but the rain just kept coming down. Time to man up and get out there! I didn't feel particularly good or bad at the start so I didn't know what to expect. I knew I would have to have a potty stop at some point because, well, I just knew. That stop came at mile 9 and I was in and out in 2 minutes! My best time ever for a potty stop. New PPR. You can guess what the extra P is for.

After my stop I came out of the porta-potty like superman! I felt GREAT! I immediately got my pace down to an 8:30 and it was fantastic. I clicked off mile after mile at 8:27, 8:30, 8:27, 8:25 etc... All the while it was pouring down rain and thunder was crashing all around. It reminded me of the priest on the golf course from Caddy Shack. I was expecting to be struck by lightening at the finish line.

Luckily I wasn't and I flew to a 3:46 finish. I was freezing and soaked but very, very happy. There was no post-race celebration due to the rain but we got a nice group together at a friend house later that day and told war-stories. All in all, another great OKC marathon.

I've got plans for a race (maybe 2) in Colorado in June and one in Kansas City in August. I'm hoping to keep healthy and happy until then.

Thanks for listening